Why am I an atheist?

At one point in my life, I believed in Allah. I truly did. I would totally depend on him for something good to happen. It never did, though, because I was just sitting there alone asking or rather praying for something good to happen when, really, I should be making some effort myself. I would try to calm down and tell myself that it was okay since life was just a test and there was no point wishing for something permanent in the temporary life.
However, sometimes I'd find myself wondering why did I feel that pain if it was only a test? Was it going to be harder when the real life started? Why was I feeling so sad? Why wasn't I happy? Why was I feeling at all? What had I done to deserve that? Why was I being punished for what my ancestors did? Why would god hold that mistake against humanity for so long? Weren't we supposed to let go and move on? Then why wasn't god? Was he scared?
But I had no one who could answer those questions for me because, in reality, nobody knew. They all had learnt or were taught to not question religion. I almost did too mainly because it was easy that way.

All I had to do was think/question/research and since my mind can only comprehend logical and reasonable ideas, it was time to let go off my imaginary friend.

Stephen Hawking: ‘Heaven is a fairy story for people afraid of the dark’
Peace.

If it wasn't for my heart, I wouldn't be breathing

When I'm really excited or anxious, my heart throbs against my chest really loud and fast. It's like it wants to come out and dance in my hands. 
Sometimes, it pains for no apparent reason. I shrug it off because I know if I paid too much attention, it would explode inside. It's holding too much inside, but I've learnt how to burry my secrets and desires in it. 

My heart pains because it wants to let go off all those painful secrets and desires and beat freely without a fear. 
My heart knows that I have no desire to live. However, it still pushes me and tries to show me the wonderful world around me. It wants to live, but it's also aware that it can't live without me. My heart cries and begs every night before I go to bed, it gives me every possible reason to live, it tells me how wonderful the world really is, it begs me to open up and let it show the world through it's throbbing eyes. And every night I, unwillingly, put a lock to my heart so I can sleep peacefully without it wanting me to wake up and live. 
Every morning, I unlock my heart because if I leave it locked, it cries so loudly that my whole body shakes and vibrates. I wish I could just lose the key for once and all and forget my heart ever existed.