I'm scared

I'm scared because I don't have that one person who you go back to when happiness is flowing through you and you can't wait to share it
I'm scared
That one person
Who you go back to when the world disappoints you
When you're rained on by sadness
I have everything
I'm satisfied
I'm happy
I'm fine
But I'm scared
because I dont have you
You're not here.
I want you by my side
The world is burying me alive
The hole is closing
And I'm going breathless
I don't care
I just want to see you
One more time
I'm dying
Come back
Pour some life in me
Color me in
I want red
I want blue
I want green
I want yellow
Please look at me just one more time
I want pink
Why do I feel so grey?
Why is there a bright light at the end of the tunnel?
Bright light! Maybe thats where I am supposed to go
Are you waiting for me at the end of the tunnel?
I feel naked
So exposed
I'm bruised up
Red blotches on my body everywhere
Life is itching to get out of me
Why?
I dont have you
Am I dying?
Is that how it feels to die slowly?
extremely slow and painful
You are gone
Why is the sky not blue anymore?
I'm going blind
Wait, it's the hole
Sand in my eyes
It Hurts no more
I feel nothing
The grey has turned into black
I'm leaving
Moving forward into abyss
It's all gone
I dont have you
And I'm scared
You're laughing
Laughing at my misery
Your laugh is magical
Oh! the happy storm
I feel it inside me
Please don't leave yet
My heart is bleeding
Lungs filling up with blood
Breath stop breathing
I can no longer move
Stop
The world is spinning
Where am I?
I hear a baby crying
Tears running down my face
Why do I feel so small?
These creatures around me
They're holding me
Who are they?!
I'm scared
I want you
You're fading away
Your face is blurry
I dont remember how you look anymore
A distant memory
I'm dizzy
I feel a tear drop on my face
It's not mine
I look up
New world new people
They're looking down at me
With so much love that it almost hurts
I feel the love
It's everywhere
In their eyes, tears, and laughter
I see the sun smiling at me through the window
And a strange but beautiful face fading away in it
I smile back
It's lovely and colorful
I laugh and everyone laugh with me
I'm here again.
Somebody drops me and suddenly I remember the fading away face in the sun
Just for a second and it's gone.
I'm scared.

Why am I an atheist?

At one point in my life, I believed in Allah. I truly did. I would totally depend on him for something good to happen. It never did, though, because I was just sitting there alone asking or rather praying for something good to happen when, really, I should be making some effort myself. I would try to calm down and tell myself that it was okay since life was just a test and there was no point wishing for something permanent in the temporary life.
However, sometimes I'd find myself wondering why did I feel that pain if it was only a test? Was it going to be harder when the real life started? Why was I feeling so sad? Why wasn't I happy? Why was I feeling at all? What had I done to deserve that? Why was I being punished for what my ancestors did? Why would god hold that mistake against humanity for so long? Weren't we supposed to let go and move on? Then why wasn't god? Was he scared?
But I had no one who could answer those questions for me because, in reality, nobody knew. They all had learnt or were taught to not question religion. I almost did too mainly because it was easy that way.

All I had to do was think/question/research and since my mind can only comprehend logical and reasonable ideas, it was time to let go off my imaginary friend.

Stephen Hawking: ‘Heaven is a fairy story for people afraid of the dark’
Peace.

If it wasn't for my heart, I wouldn't be breathing

When I'm really excited or anxious, my heart throbs against my chest really loud and fast. It's like it wants to come out and dance in my hands. 
Sometimes, it pains for no apparent reason. I shrug it off because I know if I paid too much attention, it would explode inside. It's holding too much inside, but I've learnt how to burry my secrets and desires in it. 

My heart pains because it wants to let go off all those painful secrets and desires and beat freely without a fear. 
My heart knows that I have no desire to live. However, it still pushes me and tries to show me the wonderful world around me. It wants to live, but it's also aware that it can't live without me. My heart cries and begs every night before I go to bed, it gives me every possible reason to live, it tells me how wonderful the world really is, it begs me to open up and let it show the world through it's throbbing eyes. And every night I, unwillingly, put a lock to my heart so I can sleep peacefully without it wanting me to wake up and live. 
Every morning, I unlock my heart because if I leave it locked, it cries so loudly that my whole body shakes and vibrates. I wish I could just lose the key for once and all and forget my heart ever existed. 
 

Does it really get better?

I wrote this in February of this year.
>
It's gonna be a sad beginning, I'm afraid!

Well,well,well...here I am...again...after almost a year eh!  actually its over a year but hell who cares.
A lot of stuff happened and to be honest I haven't touched a pen since then.  lalala lets see hmm mhmm
I got depressed
Tried to kill myself thrice.
Couldn't do it reaally because I didn't want to lose control of my body - control freak I know
Accepted who I am
Confessed my love to HER - she rejected me - never fall in love with a straight person
On new year's - had a change of mind and decided to live - still wondering why
Stayed positive for about a month
And now I'm back to normal
It does not get better
Or maybe I want everything way to fast
Or I dont want whats in store for me
Running away seems like a good idea but im 19 almost 20 so pretty stupid
I should really learn to get along with people
What am i gonna do when my parents are gone - it worries me too much
<
Well, that was me two months ago. Not saying I've change a lot, but improving day by day.
Living life one day at a time.
Perhaps I took life too seriously. Time to loosen up.

I love this song. I'm a proud Canadian!

Randomness is Awesome!

Life is a merry go round - when it stops, you either barf or you don't.
Life is a joke - its either funny or disturbing.
Well, since I'm so reserved and people know next to nothing about me, I'm taking this random survey, which I got off from AfterEllen.

1. Tell me something obvious about you. I'm a huge movie buff. 
2. Tell me something about you that many don't know. I come off as a rude, stuck-up biotch  to strangers, but really I'm just shy. 
3. What is your biggest fear? To wake up someday and realize I've lost the real me in the blur of the stars.
4. Do you normally go the safe route or take the short cut? Short cut.
5. Name one thing you want that you can't buy with money. Her love.
6. What is your most treasured possession? My Ipod.
7. What is the one thing you hate most about yourself that you do often? Smoking.
8. Tell me something sexually about you that I don't know. I'm only sexually attracted to someone when I fall in love with them.
9. Tell me something sexually about you that everyone knows. How can others know when I don't know it myself. hehe
10. What is your favorite lie to tell? "I'm almost there"
11. Name something you've done once that you can't wait to do again. Horse riding.
12. Are you the jealous type? Nope.
13. What is the one person, place or thing you can't say no to? My mum.
14. What is the nicest thing someone has ever done for you? My 12-year-old sister made me a breakfast in bed. hehe.
15. If you could do something crazy right now, what would it be? Drive the car at the maximum speed.
16. When was the last time you cried? umm when i was watching my sister's keeper.
17. When was the last time you felt so good that nothing else mattered? Last month when I kinda recovered from Depression.
18. Do you feel comfortable in public with no shirt on? Nope.
19. Name something embarrassing you did while being drunk. Never been drunk.
20. If you answered this questionaire, who else would you like to see answer it? My readers.
21. If you lied on any of the questions, which ones and why? Didn't lie.


Life is an alarm clock - either you get up or you snooze it.

My First day at Job!

I haven't had a job for over a year and now I got the job day before yesterday.
TBH, I enjoyed doing nothing. It was too much fun, however my siblings got tired of me being there with them all the time. Well, who wouldn't be when I'm always there, invading their privacy. Therefore, I decided to get a jobbb!
Okay I'm lying! My sister kinda sorta got me the job. She went through all the trouble to attend job fairs, send resumes and when finally she got the job, she changed her mind or rather my mom made her change her mind since she's still in high school and stuff. She's a Nerd with a capital N. :D
So yeah its a call center. I'm not gonna say its boring because its not. Probably because I'm boring or just take my job way too seriously. I don't take no breaks during the 4 hours shift!
Personally, I'm against getting a job. I'm such a hypocrite -.-
I mean shouldn't you do what you love? what you enjoy doing?
I've always wanted to be a race car driver, but I guess my dream has to die in order for me to survive in this world.
:(

Another day, another story

I love her!

It sure takes a long time to recover. Depression is not something that will go away with the wind. It’s like flu; it comes and goes as it pleases.  Some days I’m so happy that if a stranger looked at me he’d say o’boy this girl has yet to see the real cruel world.  I’m not saying that I have totally closed my eyes toward negativity. I have come to the conclusion that I will not waste one more second on thinking how unfair the world is or how I don’t deserve to be treated this way. Life is really short although it seems to last forever. Well, the point is to do whatever you wish to do with your life, but if you don’t know what to do then we might have a problem here.

Hah! I’m only kidding. No I’m not. I don’t know. I’m no expert at this.

Whatever, I’ll just tell you what I’m doing. I’ve given up hoping for a better future. What’s better future without the real me there anyway?

My current status would be: floating through life.

Most of the time, I’m doing absolutely nothing. And it’s fine with me, like, I’m completely satisfied with it although peeps around me seem to disagree with me.

Oh I just had an epiphany!

If you don’t know what to do with your life then devote it to others and make them happy. Omg! I’m going to make my parents happy.

Anyway, tomorrow I’m going to watch the new Natalie Portman Movie (Your Highness). Eeeee !

Yes I know I sound gay well that’s because I’m not straight! :D

I will Survive

My Little Snowy!

I’m not trying to be melodramatic here with my title. Ah, who am I kidding? Life is a drama and one hectic journey.  It ain’t easier for nobody! Argh.

However, life wouldn’t be as fruitful, beautiful and interesting without the suffering we peeps go through every day.   I mean just imagine a perfect life? What’s that? Can’t imagine it? Well, that’s because it’s not supposed to be imaginable.  

Hah! I’m only kidding. You can have it all- a perfect life that is. Just find your inner peace.  Do what makes you feel happy.  Once you’re happy and content, there you have it! Yes, your very own perfect life.

Too cliché? O’ well, deal with it.

I don’t know what else to write. I’m fairly new at this.

                                                         

                                                         Aritey Matey! :)